Mother’s Day: Family as Your Rock | Grace Gerber | Season 9, Ep. 370

Dr. Robin

Welcome back to Small Changes, big shifts, building rhythm and resilience. First of all, happy Mother’s Day. I have a special show for you today. Today I have on the show with me, Grace Gerber. She just graduated College from RIT, one of their top students.

She is a fabulous artist, a better human being. And I’ve had the privilege of watching her grow pretty much her entire life, maybe since she was one years old. So, hey, Grace, welcome to Small Changes, Big Shifts.

Grace

So glad to be on here.

Dr. Robin

So, Grace, when I said that since you were about one, I can remember when you came to Kansas City. So tell us about where you’re from.

Grace

Yeah. So I was actually born in Vietnam. Both my brother, Matthew and I. I was adopted when I was a little over a year old. And Matthew was about six weeks. So a newborn. I have two moms who love me very much and love each other very much. And I think they both new early on that they wanted to adopt.

Instead of giving birth to new life, they decided to give opportunities to ones already in existence, which just so happened to be my brother and I, so very lucky.

Dr. Robin

Tell me what you remember about the adoption process, or at least what you’ve heard and why Shelley and Terry, your mom’s decided to adopt you.

Grace

Yeah. So I know that Shelley went over and it was a stressful situation for her. It was high stress. She went back a couple times, actually, to meet Matthew and I or at least to meet me.

Yeah. I just know that it was a super long trip and super extensive process. I think my parents decided to adopt because they wanted to support the adoption process that occurs in third-world countries like Vietnam.

Dr. Robin

We’re celebrating moms of all types today, whether it’s a bonus mom, adopted mom, a birth mom. It could be somebody that’s a mother figure. So tell me what Mother’s Day means to you, especially having two moms.

Grace

Mother’s Day to me is just honoring both of my mom’s. I mean, Father’s Day is really easy, but Mother’s Day, it has a lot of meaning.

I really appreciate my moms, and I think it’s about not taking them for granted ever. And I feel like a lot of kids do that. So, this is a day where I can appreciate both of them. And it’s cool to say that I have two.

Dr. Robin

Absolutely. What about grandmothers? You also have two grandmothers. So talk about the generations of what you’ve learned from your mother’s mother’s.

Grace

Yeah. So my grandma on the Gerber side, on Shelley’s side, she goes by Yaya. Her name is Mary Anne. And I have so much admiration and respect for her. She does so much, especially for my grandpa. She cooks three meals a day. She cleans, does laundry, goes shopping, does every little thing, and without any complaints.

So, I really commend her for that. And then my grandma on Terry’s side, the Flynn side. She passed away in 2018 this month, actually. She was also very strong. She played sports. She was very active, very outdoorsy. I also have so much love and respect for her as well. And I miss her so this day. I mean, it definitely brings up memories.

Dr. Robin

And speaking of memories, do you remember experiencing any negativity growing up having two moms? And what would you tell somebody else who has two moms about how to navigate it, got you having two moms, specifically Terry and Shelley.

Grace

It’s like having your own personal circus. No, I’m just kidding. I’m kidding. It’s great. It’s all I know, really. Parents are parents. Love is love. I don’t think gender should matter at all. It’s about having that ongoing love and support and encouragement and wisdom in your life, and you can receive that from any gender.

I didn’t necessarily experience any negativity about my parents growing up. I got a lot of questions, but everyone was very understanding. They at least wanted to learn more about my situation. But I didn’t experience any specific negativity or hatred or anything that extreme, which is good.

I wonder sometimes if it’s kind of when you’re looking for it, it shows up, and when you’re not looking for it, right. It’s like you’re looking for good in other people.

Dr. Robin

So, what advice would you give to parents that have two moms or two dads? What advice would you as a kid?

Grace

Yeah, having two moms is awesome. And for me personally, I think it’s really taught me to have an open, nonjudgmental outlook on life. If anyone receives any negativity for this, I would just say, don’t pay any attention because you have your own experience and people should respect that. It’s not about anyone else. It’s about you and your own experience, and that’s really all that matters.

Dr. Robin

Do you think your life is any different having two moms?

Grace

Yeah, I would say my life is different only because I don’t have a dad. I have two wonderful moms. Instead, it’s not the norm. And I think that’s why people view it as different. I was raised by two very strong, independent women, so my perspective and opinion on feminism is probably a bit different than the average person.

The authoritative, protective energy in my life has always been female. So, I’ve grown up knowing that women are very powerful and brave, and I guess that’s what makes having two moms different.

But other than that, I think I was raised just how everyone else was.

Dr. Robin

Grace, I want to take this other angle about being so you’ve got two moms, which makes you unique, extra special. We know you’re extra special. And then the other thing is being adopted. So give me some insight on the feelings of being adopted and then going back to Vietnam and just kind of give us some guidance, help our listeners maybe tap into how they can have more compassion for themselves if they’re adopted or for someone else in their life who’s adopted.

Grace

Yeah, of course. So I went to Vietnam. Our whole family went to Vietnam. Me, my brother and my parents. Back in 2014, I got to meet my birth family for the first time, which was really cool. Just seeing them in person was a completely different experience than just, like, visualizing them or seeing pictures. So that was very cool.

But I didn’t have it’s odd to say, but I didn’t have any emotional attachment to them. They were essentially strangers. I didn’t feel overwhelmed by any emotion. It was just kind of like meeting people that you’ve heard good things about and just kind of like saying Hi to them. It wasn’t anything huge, even though it sounds like it would be. It was just kind of like meeting a stranger and having an amicable conversation with them.

Dr. Robin

So here’s a tough question. Do you have any stories in your head about how it should go? Because a lot of people have had some different childhood, different parents, different parents than they thought they had, possibly different situations. And sometimes we think the grass is greener. Did you have a different story in your head to what happened, or you feel like you were really grounded going in?

Grace

I felt like I would have been meeting my birth parents, at least at least my biological mother, but she was not there. I met my aunt and my cousins. So, I guess I was expecting to meet my birth mom. But other than that, I think it went exactly how I thought it would go. Maybe it wasn’t as overwhelming or big as I originally thought, but for the most part, it was exactly how I thought it would go. Very kind of neutral.

Dr. Robin

Grace, I stalked you on Facebook because you’re a wonderful artist, but plus your family and you’ve been sharing some photos and memories. And so, you have came to United States 21 years ago. You got into this loving family, not just two moms that I’m going to call family, which I’ll talk about a little bit. And then you graduated high school. You got this dream school, your dream school, RIT, where you’re one of the top in your class, and now you’re graduating. Graduated. Now you graduate. What are some of the things give me some examples of what’s going through your heart right now as you’re coming to this different chapter in your book.

Grace

Oh, yeah, it’s very stressful. I’m kind of like a bundle of nerves right now, just waiting for that next stage in my life. I’ve been applying to jobs. I’ve been perfecting my resume, my portfolio, trying to get my last assignments in for the semester. It’s a lot happening all at once. So, yeah, it’s a little overwhelming, honestly, more overwhelming than my adoption or adoption, but meeting my biological parents or my biological family. So, yeah, this is probably the most overwhelmed I’ve been in a while. But it’s exciting. It’s also very exciting. I graduate on May 6, which is very soon. It’s almost hard to believe because it went by so quickly with Covid and everything.

Dr. Robin

What are some of your fondest memories over your 21 years with your family, Matthew and Shelley and Terry, and then your extended family?

Grace

Oh, yeah. So my family and I love to travel. We go to Colorado very often, more so when I was younger, we probably go three, four times a year. Family vacations are a huge part of just our lives. I mean, we even have extended family vacations every other year with the Flynn family. So I think traveling is a way for us to bond. And being in the mountains is one of our favorite things. We love skiing, biking, hiking, kayaking, stand up, paddleboarding, anything really outdoorsy.

Dr. Robin

What are two or three lessons that you think about when you think about your family? Some core values and beliefs and statements. Sometimes there’s a one liner that this is the values of the family. What comes to mind for you?

Grace

That’s a good question. My first one is your parents are like your rock. And for me, it’s my entire family. I see my entire family as my rock. Not just my parents, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents, my cousins, they’ve all made a huge impact in my life.

 And so I guess the whole family, we are a unit, and I guess that’s what comes to mind. Not like a specific quote or anything comes to mind, but just like just that visual of us being one. So maybe family first.

Dr. Robin

Yeah, absolutely. That’s a good one. Yeah. Family, it’s no shock to many people. They go through stuff happening through life, and you guys have had your share between losing grandparents, one of your cousins, we won’t say it’s your favorite cousin, but she was pretty special. She was pretty special. Yeah. How have the family unit helped you get through those losses?

Grace

You know, I’m close to everyone in my family. They’re more like siblings, I would say, especially my cousins. It’s the most important thing to me. And I think I didn’t realize that until probably like high school that we share an incredibly tidy bond. And we have a family group chat where we keep each other updated on our lives and we hold family gatherings, events. We go on family trips together. Like I said, like I mentioned before, we celebrate every Christmas together, Thanksgiving. We have our normal holiday traditions, and we always have each other’s backs.

That’s the number one thing about this family is that we’re always there for each other. That might be a pretty basic thing to say, but I would say my family is pretty special and unique because we are so incredibly close. And, yeah, it’s that ongoing love, that constant love.

Dr. Robin

Well, I would agree you have a very special family from an insider, outsider, kind of on the bubble. Flynn Gerber family on the bubble. It’s very special and Grace. You helped make it special. Without a doubt, you’re going on to the next phase of life. Any advice you’d give to your fellow seniors in College that are graduating?

Grace

Oh, yeah. Honestly, you kind of discover who you are in College. I mean, you do discover who you are when you get to College. And my biggest piece of advice is to just be yourself. Don’t let anyone else influence you. Don’t let anyone peer pressure you or anything. You know, just follow your heart and your gut, follow your instincts and do your best. It doesn’t necessarily have to be good all the time. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to do bad on a test. I’ve been there, done that.

Try to get involved as much as possible and just live your life. I mean, you don’t want to forget about your life as well their school, but you also want to balance that out with your hobbies, your friends, your work, everything else.

Dr. Robin

Good advice. Just be you. Just be yourself. As we wrap up, I’m thinking about circus at your house, and we know one of your moms loves music. Are there any thoughts? Any songs? Are there any songs that capture your family or, like, your family theme song?

Grace

Oh, my gosh. I don’t know why. I just thought of Benny and the jets. I think it’s because Shelley has sung that so many times in the car. I actually have a video of her. She’s going to get so mad at me, but I do have a video of her singing this song very poorly in the car on one of our Colorado trips. So, yes, Benny The Jets by Ellen John comes to mind.

Dr. Robin

Oh, my gosh. That’s funny. We’ve not touched on Matthew yet. What’s it like to have a brother in this family of these three powerful women? And your brother Matthew, and your adopted brother. I know he’s your brother. By all means. Love our Maddie man. Any thoughts about sibling love?

Grace

Yeah. So my brother and I, we aren’t blood related, but that doesn’t mean anything. We’re both close as well. I keep in contact. We’ve kept in contact throughout school. He’s a man of few words, so he doesn’t say much, but I’ll send him pictures of his dog, Bug. She’s a little pug. And they both love each other. They’re inseparable. So, yeah, he’s been a great influence in my life, honestly. He pushes me. He challenges me. He’s very competitive. He loves pickleball, and he’s very good at it.

So I think just seeing him excel in that definitely pushes me to be a stronger athlete, a stronger person, and a stronger sister. He definitely makes me want to be a better sister.

Dr. Robin

Well, you’re pretty darn good at pickleball too. Just so you know Jade family well today you’re listening to Small Changes big shifts on Mother’s day. Interviewing my friend Grace Gerber celebrating her moms Shelley and Terry. Any closing thoughts you’d like to share with Shell and tear?

Grace

Yeah, I just want to say happy Mother’s day to you both. Matthew and I have a little surprise planned for you and yeah, I can’t wait to come home and, you know, see what the rest of my life is going to be like. I’m going to live with you guys for the next however many months before I get a job. So excited too though. Awesome.

Dr. Robin

Well, to all the moms out there. Happy mother’s day if you are a doggy Mama biological mother in my case, I’m an aunt Mama, I’m a friend Mama. I’m a mother Earth Mama and so all the people celebrating mother’s day. I know it’s a hard day for many of us and I would invite you to love yourself today and be a good mom to yourself. Do something fun for yourself especially if it’s one of those hard days for you. And like Grace, just think about the circus that you have around you and eat some popcorn and have some fun and send you all extra love. Thanks for joining me on small changes big shifts. Thanks Grace so much.